I Am Sorry

This may be the hardest thing I have ever done.

To all of you who read this, and even to those who don't, I need to ask for your forgiveness, as for the past few years I have been a willing hypocrite.

On both Facebook and Twitter many of you have seen me share posts, memes, tweets of a religious nature. I agree fully with all of these, however, behind the screen my life wasn't in line with what I was sharing. I tried to rationalize that if what I shared helped someone than it was ok, even though I still didn't feel right about it.

Over the past month I stopped sharing these things on Facebook, but continued on Twitter. This has been eating me alive and only fueled the battle I have been having with depression. A battle that on Facebook many of you got to see.

I have not been the Christian that many of you believe that I am, and I humbly apologize and beg for your forgiveness. You who are Christians, I also ask you for help in getting me to be the Christian that God wants me to be.

I realize that I may lose some friends over this. That hurts, but it's a possible reality that I regretfully accept.

I also accept that there may some who seek to hurl condemnation towards me. If that is you, please direct it towards me and not anyone else.

If anyone has questions about all this, please ask me and I will give you the honest answer.

As a Christian when you fall, the road back can be brutal. This has been my case and I blame only myself. I knew I was making the wrong choices and worse, I found ways to try to justify my difficulties rather than correcting what I was doing.

I am open to all honest helpful comments and suggestions. Also, to my Pastor friends, if any of you would be willing and able to send me any of your sermons on CD I would appreciate it. I would love to have them to listen to while driving.

Finally to my family, my wife and kids. I have failed you three miserably over the course of these past 19 years. I greatly appreciate the open and honest talks we have recently had. I ask for your forgiveness and that you will join me in saying as Joshua did in Joshua 24:15 when ended that verse by saying: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

I love you all, and am praying for all of you, I hope that one day, if you have not received Jesus Christ as your Saviour and given your life to Him, that you will do soon and not wait.

Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

5Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.

6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

7And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things arehonest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

9Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. ~ Philippians 4:4-9

Open, Honest, Transparent, and Vulnerable part 2

It's  hard not having a support system here where I live. Not at home and not in the community. What I get online doesn't seem to be helping. This past week I blew down through what I thought was rock bottom. As I look up, it keeps getting further out of my reach. I am falling further down. I cannot reach the walls. There is only empty space under my feet. My shouts, cries, and pleas for help echo and echo.

It feels as though God has given me the finger and said "See ya. Glad I'm not you." And is laughing at me.

I can't talk to my pastor as some have suggested because we don't have one. To get to what many of us would consider a good church is something we could do every other Sunday morning, due to finances.

My health continues to get worse and I actually have thought about being hospitalized for hernia surgery, insulin  (to get my blood sugar down) and hopefully some morphine for the constant pain I am in. I am in too bad of shape to work according to my doctor, but not bad enough for disability according to the specialist I have seen.

I am under a ton of stress here at home. I need to get away for a bit. I need to be able to breathe, unwind, relax, and de-stress, but I've nowhere to go and no way to get there. A wonderful couple had invited me to come stay with them for a short time when all this started, but I  couldn't get there. I believe having been able to and submitting myself to Adam would have been a big help. I still do. There are others I feel the same way about, but they have not offered. Another wonderful family has offered twice to take all 4 of us in. I just don't know if another state to state move would help, or hurt, my daughters. Thus here we still are.

More and more I am going back to my headbanging teen days. Why? I don't know.

I do not like who nor what I am. I don't like having a distrust of people and being shocked and surprised when they are honest and keep their word. Right now I expect people to be lying when they say something.

Maybe this is what the beginning of a mental breakdown feels like. I just don't want to be one of those people who finally snaps and goes full psychological and hurts someone, or worse.

I want to be happy, but am convinced I never will be. Daily I wish my liberal mother would have loved me enough to abort me and not hate me enough to have birthed me.

Then add in the catastrophe that is my non relationship with my biologically oldest daughter and my grandson, and the terrible job I am doing to my youngest biological two and I am introducing you to a man with no hope anymore.

This is me. It is who and what I am. To you who have been kind and generous over the years, I again say Thank You, though it doesn't feel like it's enough. I feel like there is more I should say, but I don't know what.

I have tried everything I know to fight this, yet I have become the person I could show from the Bible where they are wrong. I stood for the faith. I tried to warn others and encourage them to do right and have lost friends and am now one of those others.

I am Jim Ward and I am a Grade AAA certifiable mess

Open, Honest, Transparent and Vulnerable

I don't know where to begin this post, or if it should even be in a timeline format. Do I just ramble and hope to make sense, or do I put a lot of though into this post?

Do I worry if I will lose friends? Probably not, though I am sure I will lose some, it is after all the nature of the beast. I've had pastors turn on me after sharing some of what I will share here. My family has churches we are not welcome in anymore for the same reasons.

What will happen? I don't know.

Life for started in March of 1967, to parents who divorced shortly after I was born. In 1968 my mom remarried and the man she married, soon after adopted me, changing my name from James Monroe Parish III to James Michael Ward.

I grew up knowing nothing about my biological father, and wondering often if I had been abused my "adoptive" father. Some of what my mother has shared makes it sound like I was, but most of my childhood is a blank space that I cannot recall. What I can recall, is being the unwanted black sheep of the family. The one who could do no right, and was blamed for every wrong. A trend that continues even to this day.

I have spent most of my life looking for the love and acceptance I never got at home.

School and I were not a good match. Though I needed help, it wasn't available for me. To this day, I still cannot do what was at that time 7th grade math, nor do I understand the nuances of sentence structures. I am 100% incapable of helping my kids with their homework.

My health stinks. I am in too bad of a shape for a regular 8 hour a day job, but not in bad enough shape for disability. I have tried some self employment stuff, but in this boro and in this valley that is easier said than done, and has, like the rest of my life, proven to be a miserable failure.

Thus we are stuck here. Wouldn't be as bad, but this all is holding my children back and I fear daily we are losing them.

My family has a history of depression and it has reared it's ugly head in the lives my youngest two daughters.

I live daily with pain in my neck, right shoulder, back, knees, and right ankle. I also have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. Pretty sure my blood sugar is up. To top that off, I severe case of Trypanophobia and Vaccinophobia so you can guess what does not get checked very often. Going in for blood work is thus an exercise in extreme humiliation.

It was a shock to find out in my early 20's that I was adopted by my mother's second husband. Sadly, like the two men who have followed him, my biological dad wants nothing to do with me.

People tell me I should start a church because there is no sound solid Gospel witness here, but if they read the above I am sure they will change their minds. I really need a pastor. My family needs a church, but we usually don't have enough gas money to put in the tank to make the hour drive to the nearest one. Watching a service on line is nice, but we also need the fellowship. My family agrees we need to be in church, but sometimes I wonder if they say that just because they think I want to hear it.

The more I type, the worse I feel.

I have been homeless several times.

I never thought I would live this long, nor that I would have kids.

I have a very low tolerance for stupidity, lying and arrogant people and refuse to dialog with them.

I currently have a low tolerance for people in general.

Outside of a bad example, I have no idea of what purpose I serve in this life anymore.

I can't move out of this dead valley soon enough, but know that without a miracle it won't happen.

I would still rather be an Independent Fundamental Baptist than anything else. Why be a pea when you can be bacon?

I cannot type anymore. The pain is overwhelming.

Thank you for reading.

A Terrible Tragedy

I keep replaying the Tony Stewart Kevin Ward Jr accident in my head. I have watched the only video several times trying to put pieces together and make sense of this tragic accident.

It started off as a simply racing accident. Tony was on the inside and Kevin was on the outside as they came down the front stretch and went through turns 1 and two. As they exited the turn it is clear they are running out of real estate and Stewart is clearly ahead of Ward. What happened next is up to the interpretation of those who saw the accident as it happened and those who have watched it on video.

Most of the comments I have read mentioned there being contact between the two and that being the cause of Kevin Ward Jr wrecking. I disagree. From what I see, as these two race through turns 1 and 2 there is also a third car in front of both of them running on the bottom of turn 1. It looks to me like Stewart and Ward are catching this other driver keeping Tony running the middle and Kevin up top. What is not shown is what this other car did as it exited off turn 1. Did the driver stay down low or did he slide up the track a bit forcing Stewart to run his current line? Kevin Ward Jr had no way of seeing what this car did and I do not know if he expected Tony to slide down the track or what. Anyways, as Stewart and Ward exited turn two, it looks to my like the right rear tire of Ward's race car hit the outside barrier causing him to spin twice and flattening his right rear tire. I do, however, see where the argument could be made that the two cars did make contact which caused the accident.

Following this, as the race was yellow flagged, Ward got out of his race car and in his black helmet and black with white side stripes fire-suit he started walking down the track waving wildly at Stewart. He was almost hit by another car that was approximately 1 second in front of Stewart. There is a very good probability that Tony did not see Kevin there on the track. We also don't know if Kevin slipped into Tony's right rear tire as the track was clearly slick.

People comment about Tony hitting the accelerator as he got by Kevin. Having been around racing since the late 1970's and around sprint cars and dirt track racing since the mid 1980's I can state clearly that this is common practice. This is usually done to get caught up to the rest of the field. Not to go race speed as they are under a yellow flag, but a little faster to get caught up. Also, as Tony hits the gas his car slid a little to the left, not to the right as many claim, and that could be because Kevin Ward was falling and as Tony hit him the bump of a human body would have cause the sprint car of Tony Stewart to slide left. Sadly, this did cause Kevin Ward to be thrown several yards and it does appear he was briefly wrapped around Stewart's right rear tire.

The above picture is Tony Stewart's sprint car from last year. You will notice there are no rear view mirrors of any kind on this car. Also, unlike NASCAR, sprint car drivers do not have spotters, thus Tony had no way of knowing where Kevin was on the race track. Also, notice the right wing. You would be amazed at what all that wing will block out. Let's look at it on another sprint car.

Did you notice how low the wing is and how large the nerf bar is also notice where the drivers blind spot would be if some one was running up to you from the right side from the front in pic 1. Pic #2 we see driver in car WITHOUT helmet or neck gear on so he has more of a view now lets put on all gear and imagine how much you would see then.Pic 3 do you really think you could see someone running at you from this angle? 

"I have driven these cars,the right side board on the top wing will block out an entire car let alone a person standing there,i now work on the 45 car in the video and the driver said he just saw him at the last second and just missed him,Tony had even less time to react to the situation.people in the stands or watching this video have no idea how fast these thing happen and how limited our view is inside the car.it was a very bad turn of events that happened but we all know the dangers involved in the sport we love." ~Mark Tychoniewicz

The following, in closing, are some facts by driver Shawn Peterson:

NEVER get out of the car, especially on a race track.

Tony did not spin Ward out, sprint cars do not have mirrors, but they do have brakes & Ward should have used his. There was no way for Tony to see Ward behind him. Ward didn't want to get passed & was showing off for a celebrity, he simply tried to force the spot. 

After that attempt didn't work out, he then attempted to showboat on the track acting like a victim & it cost his life. Mad or not, right or wrong, you don't get out of your car without safety officials, you don't walk onto an active race track & you absolutely never approach a moving race car, especially with full knowledge that it has a very limited ability to swerve or stop.

These cars are built to drive very fast in a circle, they are not built to dodge angry people or to stop quickly.

Further, visibility is limited, Ward knew this & he chose, in anger, to put himself in harms way.

Tony did nothing in my opinion to attempt to hit him, frankly, he may not have seen him or assumed he would be smart enough to know the limitations of the race car, (after all, he was a driver).

In the car, we have no transmission, no clutch & for safety reasons, are only permitted to stop on a red flag, (this track was yellow).

In summary, this is an awful & tragic event, but in the end, I believe Tony did what any other driver would have done & did nothing malicious in any way. 

This is getting blown out of control because Americans & the press alike thrive on drama, especially when a celebrity is involved.
Again, unlawfully punishing Tony will not make America better, but hard work & LESS DRAMA go a long way. 

The above is a page well worth checking out.

Baptism vs Immersion part 4

Let's look at more examples that prove that those who claim the KJB translators made a new word and that they jelly-fished out are less than honest.

The Oxford English dictionary says that the words 'baptize', 'baptized', 'baptist', and 'baptism' have all been in use in the English language since the year 1200.

Here are some examples from this fine work:

Baptist is shown as being spelled as 'baptiste in 1200 and 1230, and as 'baptist' in 1400.

We find Baptism used as 'baptim' in 1300, 'baptem' in 1325 by Wyclif as 'bapteme in 1382 and as 'baptisme' in 1528.

Then for baptized we usage as 'ybaptized' in 1297, 'baptysed' in 1480, 'baptizing' in1561, baptised in 1450 and as 'baptize' in 1604.

Also in Oxfords we 'baptisid' in 1382, 'baptizer' in 1483, and 'baptizing' in 1297.

Not a complete list, but more than enough to prove that the KJB translators used words that were allready in use and had meaning and that the only ones who jelly-fish out are those who claim this is an error int he KJV, but have no problems with these words in their modern versions, and even use the words baptize, baptized, and baptism themselves.

Oh yeah, the Oxford English Dictionary doesn't list immerse as an English word until 1605 at the earliest and that the first recorded usage of immerse to mean "submerge in" was two years after the KJB was translated in 1613.

I will add more thought on this in the next few days if the Lord allows.

Baptism vs Immersion part 3

Let's continue our look at the issue between the wrods baptism and immersion to see if the KJV translators did jelly-fish out, made a new English word and vieled the real meaning of baptizo.

In our last entry we saw where Eddie Lowen in a sermon on the baptism of Jesus accused the KJB translators of making an English word, thus giving us the rendering of the word baptism instead of immersion in the NIV. We saw Bob Ross accuse the KJV translators of jelly-fishing out. yet, both of these men use the word baptism.

West Side Christian Church on their Next Steps page sates:

BAPTISM - The Bible teaches all believers to demonstrate faith in Christ by being baptized into Him. We are often asked, "How?" The New Testament reveals that baptism depicts the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ, which is why we baptize by immersion.

Let's move on to some documented facts that pre-date King James Bible.

The Tyndale's New Testament of 1534 uses baptised.
The Geneva Bible of 1560 and the 1602 revision also uses baptized.
The Bishops Bible of 1568 uses baptized.
The Geneva Bible of 1587 also uses baptized.

For examples from 4 Bibles that pre-date the KJB and at Matthew 3:13 they all used the word baptized. So much for the claim the the KJB translators made a new word.

There are also documented facts that show that Shakespeare in Henry V (1599), Othello (1604) and Romeo and Juliet (1595) used the words baptism and baptiz'd. These works predate the 1611 KJB.

More examples in our next post.So, if the use of the word baptism is wrong, why is used by West Side?