Saturday, August 1, 2015

Open, Honest, Transparent, and Vulnerable part 2

It's  hard not having a support system here where I live. Not at home and not in the community. What I get online doesn't seem to be helping. This past week I blew down through what I thought was rock bottom. As I look up, it keeps getting further out of my reach. I am falling further down. I cannot reach the walls. There is only empty space under my feet. My shouts, cries, and pleas for help echo and echo.

It feels as though God has given me the finger and said "See ya. Glad I'm not you." And is laughing at me.

I can't talk to my pastor as some have suggested because we don't have one. To get to what many of us would consider a good church is something we could do every other Sunday morning, due to finances.

My health continues to get worse and I actually have thought about being hospitalized for hernia surgery, insulin  (to get my blood sugar down) and hopefully some morphine for the constant pain I am in. I am in too bad of shape to work according to my doctor, but not bad enough for disability according to the specialist I have seen.

I am under a ton of stress here at home. I need to get away for a bit. I need to be able to breathe, unwind, relax, and de-stress, but I've nowhere to go and no way to get there. A wonderful couple had invited me to come stay with them for a short time when all this started, but I  couldn't get there. I believe having been able to and submitting myself to Adam would have been a big help. I still do. There are others I feel the same way about, but they have not offered. Another wonderful family has offered twice to take all 4 of us in. I just don't know if another state to state move would help, or hurt, my daughters. Thus here we still are.

More and more I am going back to my headbanging teen days. Why? I don't know.

I do not like who nor what I am. I don't like having a distrust of people and being shocked and surprised when they are honest and keep their word. Right now I expect people to be lying when they say something.

Maybe this is what the beginning of a mental breakdown feels like. I just don't want to be one of those people who finally snaps and goes full psychological and hurts someone, or worse.

I want to be happy, but am convinced I never will be. Daily I wish my liberal mother would have loved me enough to abort me and not hate me enough to have birthed me.

Then add in the catastrophe that is my non relationship with my biologically oldest daughter and my grandson, and the terrible job I am doing to my youngest biological two and I am introducing you to a man with no hope anymore.

This is me. It is who and what I am. To you who have been kind and generous over the years, I again say Thank You, though it doesn't feel like it's enough. I feel like there is more I should say, but I don't know what.

I have tried everything I know to fight this, yet I have become the person I could show from the Bible where they are wrong. I stood for the faith. I tried to warn others and encourage them to do right and have lost friends and am now one of those others.

I am Jim Ward and I am a Grade AAA certifiable mess